Straight Post

Boletho

“History is written by the victors.”  — Winston Churchill.

Last week, almost every other Indian must have felt a little twitch in their hearts that Aug 15 fell on a Sunday. It’s no more than a holiday for most of us. When i was in college i used to go to the flag hosting ceremony for a single reason, snacks. I don’t really blame us for this blasphemy!, whatever. History ideally should remind us of our past mistakes. It should help make our future more secure, aware and well informed. But there is something really fishy going on here in India.

Let us rewind 200 years back and see what really happened in India. East India company owned by British was Google+ Facebook+ Microsoft+… of those times. It was simply the biggest company in the world. In its prime it was the biggest employer of the world and of-course India. It built railways, roads, dams and most importantly taught us English without which we are “buck.. buck.. buck..” on the global stage. Contrary to the popular notion that whole of India was involved in the freedom struggle,  a very meager percentage of Indian population actually participated in the struggle. Remember Ben Kingsley’s dialogue from the movie Gandhi, “There is no person on Earth who would not prefer their own bad government to the good government of an alien power”. That’s the precise reason why Indians fought against the British. Significant part of Indian academia were of the notion that India will be better in the hands of British than in the hands of our very own corrupt Indians. Of course, there is no way i could prove the validity of the afore mentioned opinion. It’s for us to introspect.

If there is one word which could aptly describe the sentiments of Indian freedom fighters back then, it would be “Exploitation” . After Industrial revolution, India became the grey market for burgeoning British mass producing companies.

Cutting all the bullshit, in one sentence  “The British paved way for modern India, It gave us education, It taught us English, it built the basic infrastructure, it “improved” the lives of millions of Indians and most importantly It provided livelihood. BUT it exploited us, Its an alien power hence the British rule is bad, hence we drove them away”.. Fair isnt?

Cut back to the present 21st century, the age of “flat world’s” and “Globalized globe’s”  and let us do a comparative study.

If Gandhi was to  brought back to life and if an interview was arranged with him  along with some present CEO of an IT giant in India, it would look somewhat  like this.

Me: Bapu, why did you announce burning of foreign clothes way back in 1940’s?

Bapu :Beta, these angregis  exploited us by mass producing machine made handlooms and sold them at cheap rates to Indians. This has strengthened their economy and helped them in their quest for global domination, this in turn was used to crush Indian freedom struggle with an iron fist.

CEO : Ooh crap, This is absurd. I don’t get this idea!. In our company we employ millions of Indian engineers who work for a dime when compared to our foreign counterparts. Nobody complains!, is that exploitation?. You may call them cheap labor , whatever, but everyone is happy. Our computer screens are made in Taiwan, our keyboards are made in japan, we buy them because they are cheap. People call us “chop shops”, we don’t care.

Me: Bapu, why did you hate the British Raj?

Bapu: They took our natural resources and made the final product  in London and they brought back them to India and they sold the product to Indians! can you believe that? This is totally unacceptable.

CEO:  Hehehehe, are you kidding Bapu. We do that every day in our company now. The so called “Angregis”  use our cheap and abundant resource(Human Indians) to write the code for the product that they will make in USA and they assemble the product in a  “cheaper” country than India and they bring that product back to India and they sell it here. Look Bapu, this is called “IPhone”  it was made in the same way. But unlike foreign clothes in 1940’s Indians nowadays are crazy about these foreign made stuff you know.

(suddenly Munnaibhai MBBS enters the interview room)

Munnabhai : Bapu, boletho,  tum ko pata nahi heina, desh to apna ho gaya par log paraya ho gaye bapu”.

(Bapu becomes sad)

Munnabhai : Le bapu lee, jaado ka  jappi….

The basic premise of the Indian Independence struggle is no longer relevant  to the present Indians of the Flat world. Indian youth dream of abroad studies, they “Show off” with the latest gadgets  made else where.  Its not a taboo anymore. They dream of foreign placements. They take pride in movies made else where. Most of them  hate the hard earned  “Self rule(Indian politics)” made possible by the Indian freedom struggle.

I don’t know what August 15 symbolizes. For some it reminds them of the glorious Indian freedom struggle. For some it reminds them of the great leaders like Gandhi and Nehru who inspired and continue to inspire billions of humans around the globe. But for me, all it reminds  is free chocolates, one samosa and a wasted holiday. Jai Hind.

How to Rape

I have this very bad habit of reading news papers. The bad part of the habit lies not with the habit itself, rather it lies with the news. Remember the recently concluded FIFA world cup and how the Indian media successfully made it a “National event” with pages full of voluptuous euro chicks strip dancing in SA and Intellectual columns by sporting genius Mandira Bedi?.  Being an average Indian I thought that if sport is a religion then it must be like Christianity(cricket) with a single God Jesus Christ(Sachin). Suddenly after the world cup I realized that world sport is more like Hinduism with 3 crore gods and there are other demi gods apart from sachin like Messi(who?).

Who follows this game called football in India? apart from international school educated cool dudes, Osho fans, ISKON chanters,  Martin Scorsese admirers,mini skirt wearing chicks?, who?, who are these people, do they exist in India? Do they really matter? Are they required to be appeased by the Indian national media. No, they don’t.  Half of  every national news paper printed in a months period when the FIFA cup happened is no better than a toilet paper for more than 99 percent of Indian population.

Do you know Katrina Kaif?.  The hottest actress in India who successfully made the tissue paper business a multi million rupee industry ? I am like her when it comes to Football. She doesn’t know how to act and i know nothing about football. But i am THE Indian. Katrina Kaif is my Favvvv actress and i watched almost every other match of FIFA 2010.  So  in a way, the media successfully raped my brain and i lost my football virginity. This so called “Media Rape” is a daily event for millions of Indians.

These days i am just plain afraid to read news papers. Every day i see news about this meet, they call it CWG(Common wealth Games). And this smart guy called Kalmadi along with his friends made some “common wealth” and all the news papers are on a raping spree on millions of Indian minds. I say cut the crap, the games themselves are called common wealth games, so what if few guys made some common wealth?.  And what are these games anyway? why should i give a damn about them? and why my maid should give a damn or why any average hard working Indian give a damn?

Corruption is in our blood,  it’s in our genes,  it’s our birth right.  Corruption in India is like sex.  We never talk about sex, we behave as if we never F****.  But see the bloody damn population. It’s a crisis for god sake.

In Tollywood(Telugu film Industry) there is an open secret. Most of the heroes are ugly. Plain ugly. They don’t know how to act, they don’t pick good scripts. And the people have no choice either. Imagine you don’t know any other language other than Malayalam and only Shakila’s movies are getting released? what will you do?. Will you watch Inception once again? I Don’t think so. Don’t you ever think that Bollywood movies are great and Aamir is the smartest person in India. Watch the  perfectionist in action. Are we not sick of the answer “We make movies for everyone, We have to cater to the masses(read brainless) people too”. The same thing happens in the media too.

Every morning when i open my news paper and when i see in bold red colored letters,  “CORRUPTION IN CWG” , I feel as if a silicon enhanced bimbo is sitting on my chest and i have no other option other than opening the hooks and see whats inside. The bimbo is cashing on my sexuality and the media is cashing on my misled morality.

I really don’t care about the games getting messed up. Then why do i read the article?. If the media reporting it on a front page on a major national daily is 50% responsible,  my human instincts are  responsible for the other half.  I am just curious to know how a guy called Kalmadi is getting humiliated.”  What does he think of himself?, how can he go unnoticed after making crores,  it’s just unfair”. Mind you, the emotion here is not sympathy for the games or empathy for India’s pride or about righteousness. I may not realize but the emotion here is jealously, sadistic pleasure of watching a man go down. Readers nowadays are like motorists stopping by and watching with curiosity a dirty scuffle in the middle of the road, nothing more than that. They don’t want to stop it, they don’t feel anything, all they watch is for the heck of it,  for fun. so don’t worry, get raped and be happy!.  happy raping !
“Rape is the only crime in which the victim becomes the accused”.(I never said that ,some rapist did). AMEN.

Graphs and Monica Syndrome – Part 2

The other day I was waiting to board my train which was an hour late. So I was just chilling out around. Like any other bustling Indian railway station,  it was filled with people of all kinds. Having forgotten my IPod, I had nothing to to do except staring at people. After an hour or so of random visual rant, I suddenly realized that my eyes followed a pattern!. They didn’t just randomly look at things.. They had a complex equation of sorts which decided every second as to what they would see, how much time they would see and with how much of a concentration. Lets draw a graph .

In reality the situation is much more complex than the one depicted in the graph. Out of hundreds of random persons present there on the platform my eyes were constantly engaged in identifying potential targets, segregating the good from the bad, analyzing shapes, sizes and textures… it is freaking complicated.

But I wondered what will the eyes of a women work like. What is the complexity of female vision??? Commonn, They don’t frantically search for  an open fly(do they?). So what do the eyes of a woman search for? Absolutely no clue!!!

You think that Inception shit was complex?, dream within dream within dream, think of a woman’s brain instead, thought within thought within thought!.

If you were to derive the thought process of a man and a woman, its easy to comprehend. Man’s thought process is convergent, it always leads to singularity.

Snap shot of a man’s brain

Situation:A man in conversation with a women.

Thought 1 (2 seconds) : Ooh she is pretty, I should F**** her( after the first glance)

Thought 2 (2 seconds) : Ooh she is humorous too, I should F**** her( after talking to her for a while)

Thought 3(2seconds): Ooh she must be sharp, I should F**** her

Thought 4( 2 seconds): Ooh she is such a bitch……I should F*** her

……….

…………….

As they say, All roads lead to Rome, In case of men, all thoughts lead to , you know what.!( courtesy: Sigmund Freud)

Now, coming to the most difficult subject known to men, THE WOMAN’S BRAIN. Its divergent, its complicated and its hell  difficult to comprehend.

Snap shot of a woman’s brain

situation: A woman in conversation with another woman.

Thought 1(2 seconds): ooh, she is pretty, look at her dress. why so much of a cleavage, slut.

Thought 2(8 seconds): How can she wear such a dress in public, i can never imagine myself wearing such a dress, see her revealing top, disgusting. Ooh i forgot, i have to collect my choodi from the tailor.

Thought 3(24 seconds): Why her hair is shining so much, must be Garnier conditioner. God, why i loose so much of a hair?. What if i become bald, no man will ever marry me. oh noo. shit, i have to take an appointment to the beauty parlor today. Ooh crap i forgot to switch off the gas cylinder knob.

Thought 4(62 seconds): look at her back…………………..

…………….

……………………..

My frantic search for answers continues and the enigma of a woman never failed to amuse me. Amen

Graphs and Monica Syndrome -Part 1

It’s not an easy question for a woman to answer “what is the first thing that you observe in a man?” They end up giving completely random and often irrelevant answers such as “Humorous”, “Honest”, “Faithful”  and sometimes ”Good in bed”! etc. But common, these are not measurable and most importantly cannot be gauged in the very first look.  Now, ask a man the same question “what is the first thing that you observe in a women”. Answer comes in less than a fraction of second as if he is about to vomit, “boo……..”  Of course only if he is not bluffing. And also a man’s brain is able to quantify the observation. The amount he “observes” is directly proportional to “measurable” quantities (unlike a woman’s) such as size, shape, capacity, quantity etc.

But this analysis of human psychology is a trap which as per my knowledge no psychologist has been able to unravel. For example, assume there is no apple in the garden and rather Adam and Eve ate a banana, so every one would have been naked now ,isn’t? Now ask the same question to a bunch of women. Unlike the previous situation, they have a naked man standing in front of them and they have some visible and “measurable” data in front of them , so instead of giving some  random answers  they might consider giving a straightforward answer.

According to some scientists,  men are from mars and women are from mars too. There is no Venus, its just a planet created by a world dominated by men. Our nearest genetic siblings i.e chimpanzees wont bond like humans . Lady chimpanzees are not as dependent on male chimpanzees as human females are. Simple explanation for this rather “human specific” behavior is explained by evolutionary scientists. When humans started walking on their legs , it became an obligation for females to hold children to their sides with the help of their hands, so it became rather difficult to hunt and protect themselves without the help of a man. Thus evolved male-female human bonding, love whatever.

But there ARE differences which only men with 3 nipples can see, men like me!!. I am kidding. But there are differences which are difficult to explain but can easily be demonstrated. Let us see some graphs!!!.

I am pretty sure about the men’s graph but women as we all know are difficult to predict.So the graph for women may vary randomly. For example it can look like this second or third graph.

As you can see, men and women are indeed different!, most of the women i knew in my life behave in a certain way, i call it “The Monica Syndrome(MS)” .Fans of  “Friends” might appreciate what i am trying to say. More about women and MS in my next post

PS: click to enlarge the pics.

Pss : See this for some clarification on graphs