Straight Post

Rockstar Review

I am writing this review because nobody asked me to write one. Whenever I watch a movie, I spend some time dissecting the logic: the crux of what the movie is all about. The lesson from this movie is “Don’t fuck sick girls and make them pregnant; they go into coma if you do that!” simple.  I seriously didn’t know this logic before watching this movie. So, in future whenever I am about to proceed, I would definitely pop this question to the girl “are you sick?” instead of “Are you ready?”. Because you don’t want to see a girl in coma when you get up in the morning; you will be like “Coma?!!, seriously?, WTF, I was not that rough yesterday night “.

Of course there are also some less important lessons to be learnt from this movie like: just fuck around if you really like a girl, it doesn’t matter if she is happily married to a decent family guy. The thing is, if you love somebody just proceed no matter what. It’s a marvelous lesson. Marriage is about trust and love is about lust. A match between lust and trust is like a match between Federer and Tsonga in yesterdays Paris open finals. The lust will rape trust no matter what.

India right now needs directors like Imtiaz ali. I am serious. Here is a director who teaches us the essence of life. In his first movie, Jab we met, he taught us how to run away from a marriage, in his second movie; Love aaj Kal, he taught us how to lead a decent no strings attached live in relationship; in his third movie he went a step ahead and taught us the beauty of an extra marital affair. I believe it’s a divine intervention that directors like Imtiaz ali are able to make decent movies which we really like and adore, hats off to him, hats off.

Coming back to the movie, what fascinated me is the character of JJ aka Jordan. Every Indian girl loves to have a BF like him.  There was a time in my life where I came to a conclusion that 2 organs are a must for a man to impress an Indian girl, one is the physical organ and the other is a Guitar.  JJ has everything. He is innocent (choooo cute), he is a guitarist, singer, virgin, what not. It’s as if God interviewed all dead Indian chicks and made a prototype in the name of JJ. I envy him. But there is a flaw in the movie. JJ eventually becomes a Rockstar and here is the catch, he doesn’t fuck girls because he loves a sick girl. Sensible thing for any man to do when he becomes a rock star is to exploit those crazy girls who run for his autograph. If I ever become a rock star, and if chicks are drooling over me, what do you expect me to do, commoonnn. JJ won’t even think about other girls. That’s the reason why all the girls who came out of the theatre yesterday are mesmerized by Ranbir Kapoor and cursed that poor hot chick, Nargis Fakhri, just because she can’t act and i condemn this.

I think this is the first time in my life I spent more time watching a girl’s lips than her breasts and back. Nargis Fakhri made this impossible thing possible. In my opinion it’s a great achievement for an actress. I loved her.

Overall, this movie was a spiritual journey for me. It changed me, taught me soo many things, explained the beauty of lust and I thank Ali for giving me this wonderful opportunity. Thank you Ali, thank you. My next stop is another spiritual movie “The Dirty picture”, eagerly waiting for another earth shattering experience.

The Virgins of Veluha

My dear Videshi firangs,

It’s high time for you to realize an obvious truth.  The so called campus that you are living right now is what I call ‘The land of Veluha’, the land of virgins. I feel as if it is my obligation to explain you some basic concepts about the Indian education sector especially the concept of an Indian MBA and the nuances of a typical Indian B school campus. I hope you would rather take this open letter with a pinch of salt or a glass of wine.

Going for an MBA in India is like getting married. Frustration is the root cause for taking this horrible step. Common thing among Indian B-school entrants are frustrated young kids who are fed up with their present jobs/degrees wanting to get a relief from their boring life fall prey to this horrible phenomena. Similarly, unmarried Indian kids fed up with their lonely virgin lives wants to get hooked with a beautiful/handsome partner for a life time. In both the cases, what they often fail to realize is the fact that once they “enter”, within a week, all the fun, aspirations and the logical deductions that they must have done before “entering” are lost into thin air.

Have you ever wondered why the population in your continent, Europe, is dwindling and in India it’s growing by leaps and bounds? I hope you are aware of the concept of a bow and an arrow. The distance covered by an arrow is directly proportional to the “pull” that you generate.  Indians get enough pull by the time they get married. Pull here is the frustration and the cause is lack of sexual partners. Once they get enough pull and are suddenly released into the marital atmosphere all they do is relentless humping which clearly explains the population explosion.

The Land of Veluha.

Veluha is a fascinating city. Strictly hierarchical, Population in Veluha is divided into 3 categories, the dominating preachers call DP’s, the helpless majority of blind pupils called BP’s and the hardworking peasants called HP’s.  Much of our further analysis will be solely on BP’s.

BP’s are the brightest and the smartest students  handpicked from different parts of India and are specially trained  and tested in a controlled setting to withstand the future  hardships of life. They are mentally, physically and emotionally tortured for two years and if alive at the end of the programme are left free to enjoy the remaining part of their miserable lives.

The male to female ratio among BP’s is highly skewed, typically ranging anywhere from 10-30%. Taking into account that almost all of the BP’s are virgins, Naturally there is fierce competition among male BP’s to befriend/mate a female BP. Female BP’s on the other hand often enjoy the sudden adulation and attention that they are getting from male BP’s irrespective of their looks. It is often difficult to site a female BP straying alone in Veluha as there are always accompanied by male BP’s who are trying their best to impress their female counterparts.

Some of the male BP’s in Veluha do get lucky and are successful in “converting the call”, i.e getting a female BP partner. Rest of the unfortunate male BP’s often develop psychological disorders; some of the variants are listed below for your information.

Type 1: ThuboseDK syndrome:

Male BP’s suffering from this disorder often show symptoms of high aggression, high self esteem and develop unwanted disliking towards the “successful” male BP’s. They often feel that their inability to ‘convert a call’ is their own decision and is not reflective of their manly capabilities to attract female BP’s. They try to channel their energies towards getting good grades but rarely succeed. Some of them often develop hatred towards the concept of “love” and end up pleading their moms to get them married.

Type 2: MeboseDK syndrome:

Male BP’s suffering from this disorder often show symptoms of low self esteem and treats successful male BP’s with high regard. The mere sight of a couple in Veluha makes them sad and reminds them of their own inability to convert a call and spend much of their time searching and enjoying “interesting” things in VC++, an innovative Veluhan sharing initiative.

Type 3: SabboseDK syndrome:

Male BP’s suffering from this disorder goes a notch above and blames the Veluhan system itself. They often complain about the strict rules, regulations, “compulsory” compulsions and detest their mere existence in Veluha.

(There exists a small fraction of Veluhans who are committed, married and having a different sexual orientation which I have not considered for the analysis)

My dear firangs, I hope you all appreciate this analysis of mine, I call it The Root cause analysis.  On behalf of Veluha and all the unlucky Veluhans let me recall this famous line from the movie V for Vendetta – ” But what we hope most of all is that you understand what we mean when we tell you that even though we do not know you and even though we may never meet with you, laugh with you, cry with you or kiss you, we love you with all our heart, WE LOVE YOU”.