Straight Post

Gaalis, Movies and Reviews

I am writing these reviews because nobody asked me to write one.

Movie 1:

Being a vernacular south Indian boy my expertise in Hindi language is limited to three gaalis, ma*****d, be****d and chu**** and 15 numbers i.e. till pandrah. Whenever I watch a Hindi movie I make sure that I sit with a Hindi speaking guy so that he would translate the dialogues for me. I underestimated my limited knowledge in Hindi until recently when I went to watch a Bihari accent studded bad ass Hindi movie called Gangs of Wassepur. Surprisingly I understood the complex story line without any help.

Whenever I was in doubt and was not able to comprehend a particular scene in the movie, some or other character would shout Mada***** and I would shake my head in complete agreement. The innovative usage of Mad****** with extra o’s in between to stress upon the tense situations further explained the severity of a particular scene.  For example the hero would react differently in different situations depending upon the gravity of the situation using the same word. His reaction when his brother is killed, ”ma****o*”, when his sister-in-law is killed, “mad****ooo*”  and when his mother is killed, “mad****oooooooo*.

After hearing mad***** countless times my brain got conditioned in a unique way and the word got ingrained into my psyche.  when I came back to my room  I opened my time table , saw an exam scheduled on a fine precious Sunday the next week and  i involuntarily shouted  “kaun kiya ee ma*****ooooo*.

Nowadays my only response when I am angry is mad*****. The severity of my anger depends on the number of o’s in it.

With enough vigour and virility, Gangs of Wassepur is a fine Indian movie and provides wholesome entertainment to your entire family. This movie is a perfect chance for husbands and boyfriends to take revenge on their nagging wives and girlfriends. All they have to do is simply take them to this movie. Parents can also utilize this opportunity to teach some general knowledge to their kids. Overall my rating is 4/5.

Movie 2:

Vicky Donor is arguably the best inspirational movie in recent times after the cult classic “The Dirty picture”. The story of a boy whose heroism is directly proportional to the speed of his hand motion heavily inspired me. Half way through the movie, moved by the noble cause of the protagonist I called my girl friend and proudly said that I wanted to do charity, a concept which I always detested.  Having known my weird personality for a while she enquired further and I explained her the whole concept of sperm donation and the noble intention of mine to help all those miserable infertile couples. For the next 15 minutes I came to realize the depth and knowledge of her in the gaalis from various Indian languages like Hindi, English, Telugu and the language invented by her.

With newfound respect for those tiny little things rancorous thoughts preoccupied my mind whenever I opened the porn folder and I became somewhat conscious of the humungous wastage of the precious natural resource my body produces. Weird thoughts of sperm preoccupied my mind and I started day dreaming about them. The other day I woke from a deep slumber when the professor started shouting the project titles in the data mining class “Group 6, your project is about sperm, you need to develop an algorithm to effectively screen this mess of sperm”.  For a second I thought the assignment is about condoms but later found that he actually meant spam and not sperm!

Vicky Donor is an expedient social experiment well executed by the director. It gave a ray of hope to millions of unemployed youth of this country explaining them the economic viability of the physical assets that they own i.e. their own balls.

I will give the movie a not so generous 3.5/5

Oohh womania

This is Practical Guide for Foreign Exchange students- Part 2

Dear Frustrated foreign Exchange students,

Most of us gone through the summer placement process and we are well aware of the importance of “chance”. We hardly get a good chance and we have to convert those chances, other wise its difficult to get placed “inside” for a long time, i.e till you get married. We have to be well prepared and stay focussed. This is war my friends and we cant afford to loose. I prepared a road map for reaching our goal and we should stick to the plan as much as possible. Being a software Engineer once, i prepared this flow chart which will guide you in difficult times.

This flow chart is designed exclusively for foreign exchange students but is applicable to most of the general situations also. May girls bless you.

Of Schools and Girls

When I was in school, boys were never even allowed to sit beside girls. We used to have separate seating rows and we hardly interacted except for academic purposes. We are not even aware of the purpose of our basic existence then i.e propagation by intercourse . The dreaded disease of AIDS did phenomenal help to Indians. It made the educational boards of India introduce sex education to prevent unsafe sex.  For centuries every Indian used to get a shock of his life on his/her first night. Kama sutra is there but it is not accessible to everyone and the sculptures on temples didn’t excite anyone to actually study the tiny ups and downs. So the only chance for a male/female to see the opposite sex in full nudity is on their ceremonial first night. Imagine yourself in the situation where you are completely unaware of the physical reality of the opposite sex and when you see it for the first time you will be like  “ooh shit man, WTF, I thought it would be like… “. It’s like showing movie goers Ek Tha Tiger who are actually anticipating Dark Knight Rises.

CBSE spared me the torture. It introduced a course on sex education.  My science teacher was a short shy intelligent lady. I remember her asking us to draw a weird diagram from my science text book without telling what it actually is .I being the most proactive and self proclaimed painter of the class completed the work before anybody could and raised my hands in jubilation. I even remember some of my guy friends clapping for the great achievement, none of the girls clapped and I realized the reason few years later.  That was a time when I am getting introduced to the exiting world of pornography in those obscure internet cafes cropped up in my city. I came to know that the diagram is actually a vagina. Then I realized the shocking genius of my science teacher. She is successful in teaching a whole course on sex without even giving us a hint as to what it actually is. Of course these days i see genius professors every day. Anyways.

Then I went to IIT to pursue my under graduation. Girls in IIT’s are like buns thrown into an arena of hungry dogs. It never mattered whether the bun is fresh or good looking or even edible but the fight is fierce some. Having lost the Darwinian battle, many boys started improving their dexterity skills. Boy’s hostel is meant only for boys. The creatures called girls were never allowed inside our premises. Profs were of the opinion that we are immature and can have wild sex if left unattended so they took good care of us. We were free beings and roamed in our corridors half naked unfazed by intrusive eyes of the opposite sex. Most of us haven’t opened our accounts by the time we graduated.

Then came IIM.

Suddenly we are seen as responsible beings and I don’t know why. Profs here think that our intellectual prowess bypasses our natural instincts. What they don’t realize is that we are active volcanoes with humungous internal pressures about to be erupted at any second. And they did the most logical thing. Allowed girls into boy’s hostels. Of course it’s for a noble cause of assignments!. I am not complaining. Many of us have rooms and permissions, what we don’t have are enough girls. Anyways, that is not my problem. My problem is freedom!

Like the joker in dark knight I am a man of simple tastes. I enjoy my porn, my movies, books and walking in my towel from the bathroom to my room.

I am a confident man, I think I am reasonably handsome, that is when I am wearing something.  I have this habit of wearing only a towel after my bath till my body dries and the worst thing is the position of my room which is farthest from the nearest bathroom. So I have to walk semi naked everyday crossing a whole corridor. But I never realized all these days the impending horror that I am about to experience.

Specializing in the field of strategy I always take bath twice a week and that too at midnights to escape any unwarranted invasion of my manhood. So as usual few days back on a fine midnight I took my bath, wrapped my towel, came out, started singing a song and started walking towards my room. I didn’t realize that she was standing just in front of me. I was shell shocked.

I felt like Buddha for a fraction of second, a self realized man. I think I experienced nirvana at that moment of time. The history of my entire manhood reeled before me, picture by picture.  I saved my bare body like Duryodhan only to show it to a Gandhari at an appropriate point of time. She entered like Krishna, damn it.

At that moment,  I remembered all those Indian movies where the hero/ heroine  comes out of  bathroom and the towel accidentally slips and both of them starts screaming at the same time.  I immediately checked the vital knot on my towel and took an about turn just like an army personnel and marched swiftly back to the bathroom. Waited for a while cursing myself all through, I wore my sweat socked shirt and came out, double checked the corridor and ran to my room.

Wars are won in the minds of the warriors and not in the Battle fields. I lost all the wars and I was battered bruised and even humiliated. But unlike westerners every Indian will win this war at the end because no matter how ugly, disgusting or chick repelling one is, every Indian boy will get married at the end, thanks to Indian mothers and the fantabulous system of arranged marriages. That’s the best part of being an Indian boy.

My journey of schools and girls is about to end in a short while. The best part is that unlike ancient Indians I will not get the shock of my life on my first night because i won the war in my mind long time back.

Practical Guide for Foreign Exchange students – Part 1

After a year of academic abuse at IIM owing to strenuous rigour and a lifelong sexual abuse in India, owing to strict –No No ding Dong before marriage culture, boys at my college are gearing up for a life time opportunity to unleash their libido at foreign lands. Many of them came to a steadfast, well thought conclusion that this is their final opportunity to get laid before they ask their mothers to get them married once they complete their MBA. Many of them took diligent steps: started going to gym, started learning foreign languages and some of them even went to extremes: stopped watching porn for a month to preserve their vital energies!  . Once I eavesdropped where some of the boys were practicing the most appropriate way to introduce themselves to the French girls in 3 simple sentences.

Bonjour ( Hi)

mon nom est balu( my name is balu)

Je suis fantastique dans son lit (I am fantastic in bed)!!!

Many of them think that foreign girls are crazy for some exotic brown skin and presume that all it takes is a smile from their side to get laid, which sadly is not the case. This analysis of mine is highly professional, derived from innumerable embarrassments. So pay attention.

As usual, being a MBA student let me religiously start my analysis with Porters 5 forces emphasizing heavily on “Barriers to entry” more than anything.

1. Bargaining power of suppliers i.e. Foreign chicks ( HIGH)
2. Bargaining power of customers i.e. virgin Indian boys (LOW)
3. Threat of new entrants i.e. fellow frustrated Indian foreign exchange students(HIGH)
4. Barriers to “entry”  i.e.  ahem (Very HIGH)
5. Threat of substitutable products i.e. Sex shops, prostitutes, Amsterdam! Etc.( very HIGH)

We will do internal SWOT analysis in my next post.

Generalization is a disease and Indians especially are more prone to this disease than anyone else. One of the generalizations is that dating a foreign girl is easy. But the truth is girls are girls no matter where they are.  If you are a shy introvert Indian boy who never touched a girl, and you think that you can become Rajni Kanth of seduction overnight when you step foot in Western Europe, you are heavily mistaken.

Let me take you 2 months back to Mumbai where I did my Internship. Every day when I saw the mad vermin of human mass pushing and shoving above the Mumbai over pass bridges I felt insignificant. When I saw beautiful girls with fake sun glasses and fruit flavoured lipsticks ignored my blatant glares at their assets I felt ugly and when I dry humped every man irrespective of his age in standing position aided by the vibrating motion of Mumbai locals I felt like a liberal gay.

Every day like a newlywed bride entering the room for her fight night, I entered the local with pressed formals, polished shoes, combed hair, and deodorised body only to come like a newlywed bride coming out of the room the next day morning. With a tired face, ravaged hair and trying to set the crumbled dress pretending as if nothing happened inside even though you know that your private parts have been severely compromised.

Same will be your situation when you travel those mad rush Paris locals.

But everything is not as bleak as you might think after reading what I have to say. Being MBA Students we should analyse the situation and solve the problem using the “concepts” that we learnt. In my next post we will discuss how to apply RBV (Resource based View) to ourselves and analyse how we can enhance the VRIN resources(Valuable, rare, inimitable and non substitutable) that we possess as Indians and we will also do a SWOT analysis to strengthen our argument.  So au revoir and bonne nuit.