Archive for September, 2010

Ooooooh Shit !

“The UN estimates that 600 million people or 55 percent of Indians still defecate outside, more than 60 years after the scrupulously clean independence leader Gandhi first talked of the responsible disposal of human waste. “[link].

60 years of glorious Independence and more than half of Indians still carry a mug and run for bushes and the whole country is angry because some B grade foreign players (because technically we are taking out US, Russian and Chinese players, which constitute 3/4 of the world’s best) are having hard time using the bathrooms built by our shabby (after the bridge collapsed) Indian Engineers. I don’t give a shit. How in the world do we expect some junk sport board members of India to spend some 10k crores given to them. Big shots in India are never afraid of Indian judicial system. I just want to live for the day to see a famous Indian actor/ actress spending time  in jail for “drinking”  like they are doing for Lindsay in  USA .

Foreign travelers are always like “We wanna see the real India mann, show me, show me some real shit mann”.  So, Kalmadi and company are actually trying  to show them some real shit, quite literally that is.  Saina Nehwal a couple of weeks ago said in a “hurry” that we are not yet ready to handle such big events. And there is such an uproar in the media that she was forced to retract her views !. We are just terrified to hear the truth, we cannot take it!. We are like that old Indian heroine shouting “nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”.

Do you remember that old saying “Money can’t buy everything”. Just because you sanctioned some 10k crore, it doesn’t mean that the end product is as good as the dough you provided. I don’t remember any  big event on par with the present CWG  conducted in the recent past by the “Indian Govt”. IPL season 2 is such an event conducted by the corporate wing of the  BCCI,  not the government.  So “Technically” Indian Govt  never had either the expertise  or men who are capable of Organizing  such a big scale event in the first place . As per my opinion, Kalmadi is never the person capable enough to pull off such a big event. He is just a seasoned politician who  happened to be the IOA boss.

PMO is acting like THE famous cops of Indian movies, they always enter the scene after everything is over. Second heroine(our national prestige)  and villain (withdrawl by top players) are  already dead and our hero (Mr. kalmadi amassing wealth) won the battle and sadly this movie made with the biggest budget ever flopped well before its release.

Actually, I am trying my hand at poetry these days. so here is a sample and i am dedicating it to CWG India 2010.

Great Indian wake up wake up,
Take the mug and jog up jog up,
Never fear, never worry,
no one will see you , so hurry hurry.

Look for a good bush,
Don’t make any sound, hush hush,
Remember there is no flush,
Oh forgot, use the leaves as the brush.

Don’t act like a bridegroom,
Complete the act and run, vroom vroom.
Don’t expect someone to clean the place with a broom,
Oooh Shit, is this the CWG village room???

Ps : IOA – Indian Olympic Assosiation, PMO – Office of the Prime Minister.

Advent of the Bikinism

You know WWE? World wrestling entertainment?. Everyone knows it’s fake. All the matches are predetermined, preplanned and wonderfully executed. The players practice all the moves beforehand and they announce it openly without any shame. “This has been done by trained professionals, do not try this at home”.  Still people love the sport, they cheer for their favorite stars, children love it and it’s hugely popular in USA.  Why not make cricket one such sport, why spoiling our mood by all these fixing controversies.

With the advent of IPL, cheer girls and bikinis, cricket is no longer a gentleman’s game. I recently read an article where it was proposed that sex has to be short like max 20 min, you cannot do it for 5 days, continuous.  It’s boring, tiresome and time consuming. We applied this theory to Cricket long back and we agreed upon the fact that Cricket is all about “entertainment”.  So whats the big deal in fixing? Let them fix, let them play every match to the crux, to the very last ball and entertain us.

Last week there were news reports that Indian government wants to legalize cricket betting. Indians are funny people. If they cannot control something all they say is “legalize it!”. Three Pakistan players were caught red handed in a match fixing scandal. Sri Lankan players were dragged into this and now there were reports that IPL2 players also had been “spot fixed”. Sri Lankans say that this  is a “White man’s conspiracy “, LOL, and now BCCI says it’s “surprised”  as if it doesn’t have a clue as to what is happening around!.

Cricket was really never about the game for Indians. For some decades it has been a matter of national pride for us. It’s India Vs Some other country. When India won its only world cup at Lords, it  caught the popular imagination of Indians like never before.  With the advent of IPL clubs with an international mix , the pride factor is gone and the Entertainment factor cropped in.

Common, after all we are Indians. We like masala in our curries, movies and News stories. Go hell with the critics, we all love our sallu Bhai’s Dabaang. Think differently! legalize betting  and make Indian cricket more spicy.

The World is Round

“I think if we’re going to give tax breaks to companies , they should go to companies that creates jobs in America – not those that create jobs overseas” – OBAMA

“US is not doing any favor by outsourcing work” – Kamal nath (Union Minister of Road Transport and Highways)

“Obama is coming to India. We want the Prime Minister to stand up and tell Obama very clearly that open trade is the way to go” – Mohandas Pai (Infosys HR head)

Don’t you see something fishy in all these statements?. Mohandas Pai wants our PM to tell American president how he should run HIS country. No man ever wants to take suggestion as to how he treats his wife or his country ! i am pretty sure about that.

Outsourcing is not a new concept, it has been there for a while  from 1980’s when US companies started looking for cheap white color labor. When Americans are looking around the globe for people who work for a dime, Indians are shouting “pick me pick me.  If you want i will do it for free” and Americans did pick us. And now they are like “We don’t want you, thank you” . And Indian’s instead of saying “OK, F*** you” are behaving as if there is no way we can earn a living without their mercy. Kamal nath is true in his statement, we are not doing it for free. Outsourcing by IT biggies in US saves billions of dollars for them, in some cases it even forms more than 1/3 of their profit margins.

Few weeks back when the fees for H1B visas has been increased, there is an uproar in Indian IT circles citing that this is gross injustice!. Few days back Ohio state banned all outsourcing from the companies within its  borders. Being from Andra pradesh where there is a raging fire going on for a separate state of Telangana , i feel as if i have no right to speak against protectionism. The main argument of pro Telangana activists is that  Andhraite’s are “taking away” their jobs. We don’t want to loose some jobs to “fellow Indians” and we suggest Americans to be “more reasonable!, more open minded”. Scores of students have committed suicide to protect the rights of Telangana “region”. I think Indians as a whole have absolute no right to speak against protectionism.

Common guys, Becharas, they had a big recession, their economy collapsed  and they are loosing jobs to this endless stream of  desis coming into their country in millions and stealing their jobs and the remaining jobs are being outsourced!. Imagine a country where your friend has no job and when you walk into your office and see it is full of well read Africans who came from some other country. How does it feel?.

The concept of “Flat world” is a far fetched idea when it comes to humans. Its still a round place, with injustice all around. If i were the PM of India, apart from making prostitution legal i would ban all outsourcing work myself and wait for the response of Americans. Lets see how many days these profit maniac US companies cope with this. oooh, dont get worried about these SWE folks.  Apart from helping fast food joints and multiplexes, they are of no use to this country anyways.Amen

PS: I was once a SWE, dont mind.

Sisterhood of Travelling Panties

I am a coffeetotaler , which means that i do all the drinkings smokings just for the heck of it. Someone once told me that i have no right to hate anything in this world which i haven’t experienced. So i generally keep my mouth shut when it comes to things which i haven’t experienced yet or don’t have any clue as to what it is about. So i generally hesitate to pass judgments on things/events  which i cannot comprehend.  But today is different.

When i was a boy, I knew of certain places in my village where they used to sell alcohol. We used to call them “kallu dukanam”, which is a vernacular way to describe a place where people can buy liquor, drink then and there itself, relax for a while, go home and beat the crap of ones wife. Anyways,  specialty of that place is that, it’s a strict  gender dominated place. No woman is ever allowed. If there are proper medical facilities in India  “Indian women” will be the longest living human race in the whole world. Technically(read culturally)  a typical Indian woman never drinks , never smokes, can never have any so called bad habit, except for those really interior places where some women smoke country made lean Cuban type cigars called “beedi”.  And Indian women never drink(technically that is).

When my family moved to a near by city for my schooling , that is when i saw these “wine shops”, glittering with lights all through the night where they sell these “branded stuff”.  And there too , i never saw a woman buying liquor. It’s the men who always throng these places. So as time passed by, Indian men “enjoyed” the booze and Indian women enjoyed by eating chocolates and watching saas bahu serials, atleast that is what i thought, Till i came to the city called Bangalore.

As i said, i do all the things just for the heck of it. So while i was watching this movie “Sisterhood of traveling panties”,  i got an idea why not have a drink, a beer may be. So i got up,  took my bike and started searching for wine shops around. I found one just half a kilometer away and i went in to get some beer. When i was entering i saw an “Indian Woman”  in a casual t shirt at the counter. She was selling liquor!. I was dumbstruck . I don’t know what hit me, but i felt really uncomfortable. I felt like a woman at a medical store asking for condoms. Imagine a woman asking “Is it flavored?, chocolate?”  How odd is it?. I felt the same!. I couldn’t buy the stuff there, so i acted as if i entered a wrong shop and got out.

But a man who has gone out to buy some booze is like a hungry tiger, can never sleep until he gets it. So again i started looking for some wine shops. And what came across is a shop, a big shop called “Spirits” .  When i parked my bike and entered the shop, i realized that it is HUGE. It’s like a liquor super baazar. I can see “Families” shopping there along with kids !!. They are holding these plastic baskets , the exact ones that we use in a typical super baazar and they are full of liquor bottles. I think i even heard a kid shouting to his father “Papa i want that “!!. WTF. what the hell is happening here. I Can see women, old women, men, kids everyone shopping there.

Liquor shops for me are like public bathrooms, you want to get out  of there as soon as your work gets completed. You don’t want to carry Hindu news paper and read it with leisure while doing your work isn’t?. So Whenever i have been to a liquor shop, i never wanted to wait a second, i would insist the shop keeper to give my stuff as soon as possible , throw the stuff  into my bag and run from there. But right now the whole scenario is different. People are having a “shopping experience” here. Anyways i took my beer tin, stood in a line along with some women(couldn’t avoid this time) and brought home the tin. But sadly i  got the “kick” in the store itself.

Before the “chudidaar” syndrome, wearing jeans by an Indian woman was an outrageous act but now the grammar changed, its called Modern!. If you want to explain how modern and developed a country like India  is, words like GDP  are of little help, it’s difficult to understand.  Instead try explaining them in terms of “woman” .  No one can set standards for words like “modern” , “development” and “forward”.  Some say they can be gauged by the way women and art are treated in a country. Don’t ask me about art or M F Hussain , but  Women in liquor shops is definitely development!.

About Straight Post

SP is all about freewill. I was once a revolutionary who lost his ideals in technology, a philosopher who lost his integrity in debugging and a poet who lost his soul in coding. SP is just the way I see the world. No hard feelings.

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